Moving Forward

A comforting lesson (but also very uncomfortable one at the same time) that I’m learning: (some of this is an excerpt from The Search for Significance)

Psalm 107:33-36
“He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground, a fruitful land into a salty waste, because of the evil of its inhabitants. He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in;”

“God often allows us to experience circumstances that will enable us to recognize our blind adherence to satan’s deceptions. Many times these circumstances seem very negative, but through them we can learn valuable, life-changing truths.

Has your fruitful land become a salt waste? Maybe God is trying to get your attention to teach you a tremendously important lesson: that success or failure is not the basis of your self-worth. Maybe the only way you can learn this lesson in by experiencing the pain of failure. In His great love, God leads us through experiences that are difficult but essential to our growth and development.”

I’ve long wondered why I have to look back on this last year of my life with such disappointment..
I recognize this last year as just that…negative circumstances that enabled me (and are enabling me) to recognize my blind (and sometimes not-so-blind) adherence to satan’s deceptions. In a sense it’s a blessing. That’s still not an easy word for me to accept, yet.

I didn’t foresee ‘disappointment’ and ‘pain’ to be good summary words for my year…especially after the most beautiful summer with the Lord last summer. I anticipated a beautiful year of spiritual growth, rest in Him, memorization of The Word, mentoring of awesome gals, being mentored by an amazing woman of God, enjoying life, being ok with ‘me’.

But you know, there’s no reason why I can’t begin to smile on how the Lord moved/provided/sustained/used me in spite of me/revealed Himself/loved me even in the midst of being in the fire.

I want to insert this random thought real quick:
I learned something from a gal when I was in high school during a very epiphany-esque-ish moment/argument/screaming match..and also the same thing from some family members and friends over these last couple of years…….I was reminded that people are perceived in very particular ways, which unfortunately can be very far from the truth. For instance, the girl’s explanation of her thoughts about me was that my life was like a ride on the train at the zoo….while most others are like roller-coaster rides, or runaway trains around a mountain..something to that effect. I was dumbfounded. Mainly cause I knew of the self-hatred I had for myself, how I was consumed with anxiety, eating issues, how I was so terribly nervous around people, how I never felt like I could grasp onto joy, ever.
When people just see you leading worship on the stage, or smiling in a group of people, or preaching, or teaching a Sunday school class, or working in a particular ministry, or running a successful business, or (pretty much fill in the blank with anything “successful”) they assume things or create these perfect lives that aren’t really there. Ever since then, I have tried to be as honest and open as I can (especially and mainly to the gals that I get to minister to..) as we realize that each of us struggle with very specific, potentially devastating, clearly deceitful things from a real enemy.

Ok back to my original thoughts:
Satan’s deceptions (I often like to see the synonyms of words…for deception, some of those synonyms were “Dishonesty”, “tricks”, “fraud”) in my life have often circled around the same things..one of those things being that my failure IS the basis of my self-worth..which clearly, as naturally depraved humans who often fail, means that I live a life of defeat day-in and day-out, feeling useless and unsure about how to accept any joy and peace in my life on a consistent basis. My default mode has been to convince myself that I don’t really “feel”. That I can just ‘do life’ and push down every emotion that most humans feel.

These past (almost) 4 years in Virginia have proved to slowly tear all that down, ESPECIALLY this past year. I have been VERY forced to accept the fact that I AM a human. I HAVE emotions. I FEEL. I HURT. I can be hurt by another. And instead of suppressing the pain and letting it play out in other areas of my life through other struggles, I can deal with those things then work on moving forward.

God’s Love and my worth are directly correlated ..and those two things never sway as a result of Christ’s sacrifice. Because of that, I am free. I am redeemed. I am made whole. I am given a new nature. I am loved. LOVED. That’s been such a difficult one to accept. So, as I recognize that “the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the Light of His Glory and Grace” , I can rest in knowing that as I seek to know my Father and renew my mind daily, I will live that abundant life that He has promised us.

So, while this official school year is coming to a close and I get to close this chapter of my life, one that I’m still struggling through…I look forward to taking these lessons that have been learned and practice living out this next season of my life under the LOVE and GRACE of a Father who isn’t keeping score, who isn’t holding every past failure against me, and who has a beautiful purpose and calling on my life.