Oh, just some thoughts..

Moving Forward

2011-08-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

A comforting lesson (but also very uncomfortable one at the same time) that I’m learning: (some of this is an excerpt from The Search for Significance)

Psalm 107:33-36
“He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground, a fruitful land into a salty waste, because of the evil of its inhabitants. He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in;”

“God often allows us to experience circumstances that will enable us to recognize our blind adherence to satan’s deceptions. Many times these circumstances seem very negative, but through them we can learn valuable, life-changing truths.

Has your fruitful land become a salt waste? Maybe God is trying to get your attention to teach you a tremendously important lesson: that success or failure is not the basis of your self-worth. Maybe the only way you can learn this lesson in by experiencing the pain of failure. In His great love, God leads us through experiences that are difficult but essential to our growth and development.”

I’ve long wondered why I have to look back on this last year of my life with such disappointment..
I recognize this last year as just that…negative circumstances that enabled me (and are enabling me) to recognize my blind (and sometimes not-so-blind) adherence to satan’s deceptions. In a sense it’s a blessing. That’s still not an easy word for me to accept, yet.

I didn’t foresee ‘disappointment’ and ‘pain’ to be good summary words for my year…especially after the most beautiful summer with the Lord last summer. I anticipated a beautiful year of spiritual growth, rest in Him, memorization of The Word, mentoring of awesome gals, being mentored by an amazing woman of God, enjoying life, being ok with ‘me’.

But you know, there’s no reason why I can’t begin to smile on how the Lord moved/provided/sustained/used me in spite of me/revealed Himself/loved me even in the midst of being in the fire.

I want to insert this random thought real quick:
I learned something from a gal when I was in high school during a very epiphany-esque-ish moment/argument/screaming match..and also the same thing from some family members and friends over these last couple of years…….I was reminded that people are perceived in very particular ways, which unfortunately can be very far from the truth. For instance, the girl’s explanation of her thoughts about me was that my life was like a ride on the train at the zoo….while most others are like roller-coaster rides, or runaway trains around a mountain..something to that effect. I was dumbfounded. Mainly cause I knew of the self-hatred I had for myself, how I was consumed with anxiety, eating issues, how I was so terribly nervous around people, how I never felt like I could grasp onto joy, ever.
When people just see you leading worship on the stage, or smiling in a group of people, or preaching, or teaching a Sunday school class, or working in a particular ministry, or running a successful business, or (pretty much fill in the blank with anything “successful”) they assume things or create these perfect lives that aren’t really there. Ever since then, I have tried to be as honest and open as I can (especially and mainly to the gals that I get to minister to..) as we realize that each of us struggle with very specific, potentially devastating, clearly deceitful things from a real enemy.

Ok back to my original thoughts:
Satan’s deceptions (I often like to see the synonyms of words…for deception, some of those synonyms were “Dishonesty”, “tricks”, “fraud”) in my life have often circled around the same things..one of those things being that my failure IS the basis of my self-worth..which clearly, as naturally depraved humans who often fail, means that I live a life of defeat day-in and day-out, feeling useless and unsure about how to accept any joy and peace in my life on a consistent basis. My default mode has been to convince myself that I don’t really “feel”. That I can just ‘do life’ and push down every emotion that most humans feel.

These past (almost) 4 years in Virginia have proved to slowly tear all that down, ESPECIALLY this past year. I have been VERY forced to accept the fact that I AM a human. I HAVE emotions. I FEEL. I HURT. I can be hurt by another. And instead of suppressing the pain and letting it play out in other areas of my life through other struggles, I can deal with those things then work on moving forward.

God’s Love and my worth are directly correlated ..and those two things never sway as a result of Christ’s sacrifice. Because of that, I am free. I am redeemed. I am made whole. I am given a new nature. I am loved. LOVED. That’s been such a difficult one to accept. So, as I recognize that “the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the Light of His Glory and Grace” , I can rest in knowing that as I seek to know my Father and renew my mind daily, I will live that abundant life that He has promised us.

So, while this official school year is coming to a close and I get to close this chapter of my life, one that I’m still struggling through…I look forward to taking these lessons that have been learned and practice living out this next season of my life under the LOVE and GRACE of a Father who isn’t keeping score, who isn’t holding every past failure against me, and who has a beautiful purpose and calling on my life.

Last weekend in Jacksonville..

2009-08-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

I took a three hour nap today because my head was killing me. So, i'm not that tired right now. But I need to be up at 5:30 to get myself awake before singing with the guys at 7:15. Maybe as I blog a bit, it will get me sleepy.

I'm beside myself with how awesome this week has been. Really..the greatness of the summer as a whole is what has made this week great. I kinda want to blog about the main things the Lord has been teaching me, but it'd be way too long of a blog. Mainly, it has to do with me learning how to just, in general, enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy my family, enjoy the Lord, enjoy! That has been the main thing that I have struggled with since I moved away years ago. But that's for another blog.

Whatever the case, i've been so very thankful that the Lord has allowed me to spend some quality time with my family this summer. Last night we went to the Woodbine Opry, and everyone went. I just feel like I can't get enough of looking at each of them, especially my nephews and Millie. I know they're going to be so much bigger when I come back for a visit, and I just want to capture in my mind their little smiles and expressions, really just everything about them.

Gabriel and I spent the night at Dada's (my grandpa) last night. It was a blast! That kid is seriously a riot. My very favorite memory from our sleepover would be sitting on the couch, chatting with Dada and Daphene (his wife). Every time we'd sit down, Gabriel would snuggle up right next to me, or grab my arm and put it around him so he could lay against my side. And his expressions were classic. I wish I could have videotaped it all.

A few favorite Gabriel lines throughout our visit:

(As he was taking off his shirt, looking down at his stomach): "I'm RIPPED".

(As he sits down by Daphene's 80 year old mother who was watching the Braves on tv): So, You like baseball?"

(When he found out we were going to try and stop by and see Kevin (my best friend)): " Can we PLEASE hang out for like an hour with him? That guy was like an older brother to me!" (He's only met kevin a few times :) )

(He had me blast a Gym Class Heroes song in the car and roll down the windows): "SWEET! Now EVERYONE'S doing it, not just brown people!"

(While listening to said Gym Class Heroes song): "You know, this take-a-look-at-my-girlfriend song? It's classic."

and my very favorite moment from the sleepover:

This morning, he needed to take a shower, but the shower head (one of those that is attached to a long hose) was too high. I told him I'd hold it up for him at a level so it'd be like a good height for a kid. I stuck my arm in there and he handed me the shower sprayer. He adjusted it real quick, and about that time he started humming and singing! He'd say, "a little to the left" or "a little to the right" then get right back to singing in the shower. It was so cute. I couldn't stop laughing (silently).

That was it for our little trip, but tonight was wonderful cause Corey and Julie invited me over for dinner since i'm leaving Monday. I was able to hold Millie for a few hours..while we were eating, cleaning, hanging out. I loved it so much. She is precious. I'm going to miss those three kids so much.

Benjamin was so sweet tonight too. When I got there, I asked him to give me a squeeze and he just hugged me for so long. He layed his head on my shoulder and wrapped his arms around my neck for a few minutes. I treasure those moments.

CFC Kick-Off Event

2009-08-03T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's raining really hard right now. I'm unbelievably tired from an incredibly exhausting, yet, awesome weekend, and I just realized that I'm sitting here at the desk during my little lunch break whistling so loud. It took me about 5 seconds to realize that I was doing that. Yikes. That's embarrassing.

Anyhow, yesterday the Exodus guys came and led worship at Faithbridge. And let me just say, I absolutely adore that group of guys. I looked up the word 'adore' to make sure that definition suits them, and it does. One of the definitions is, "to like very much", so we're good. They are so kind, and so fun, and it's amazing to see how the Lord is using them for His glory so much, and how they are truly seeking Him. What a great group. And so dang talented.

Last night I was so so blessed by the group of students that were at Christian Family Chapel (I sang a little bgv's with them at the kick-off event for their mission/ministry week).

I got there and saw the guys were doing a 13 song set, with over half the songs being ones I hadn't heard, or at least had never sang. At the beginning of the evening, I wasn't necessarily focused on what we had the opportunity to do that night..(to minister to these kids, to worship together with them, and the pray for what the Lord is going to do this week). I was feeling self-counscious, and intimidated by these crazy talented guys, and pretty nervous that I was taking their harmonies and stuff.

It wasn't until we went into the conference room to pray before the service that the Lord just cleared off the slate of my mind. All the insecurites and things that were hindering me from thinking on Him were wiped off. Hearing the story of the boy who, just a few short hours earlier, gave His life to Christ, made my heart jump and reminded me that God was getting ready to rock the hearts and lives of these students, as well as make Himself known in the community.

So, we're walking up to the stage at this point, as the kids are coming in. They have so much energy! Being pretty sure that not every single one of them in that room were believers, a couple things went through my mind at that moment. I was feeling a tad cynical (I'm not sure if that's the right word but we'll go with that). We send kids out so often to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but are we really equipping them? Are we really keeping them accountable? Are we really challenging them to keep themselves unstained by the world? Are we teaching them, and encouraging them to be daily falling more in love with Jesus, and getting to know him more?
And what about THESE students? What are their lives exuding? Is this church one that has watered down the gospel and the dismissed teaching of the deep, difficult truths of Christ? I was hoping not (And throughout the evening, I realized that they definitely weren't that type of church. Praise the Lord!)

The Lord kinda nudged my heart at that point, and put on it that maybe I should pray for these students, rather than thinking about all those different things; that I need to pray that the Lord would move powerfully in their hearts during the worship service and also through the week..and use their ministry to spark revival, and refreshment in their lives.

As the night kicked off, and their youth pastor began to share scripture and pray, I was so moved by watching the kids in their worship, and participating in the prayer time. Whether they recognized it or not, the Holy Spirit was moving and preparing their hearts. I was so moved. I just pray that this week, as His truth is shared, those kids are challenged, and stretched, and get a renewed sense of the power, and grace, and goodness of the Lord.

Random thoughts 7/23/09

2009-07-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start blogging.

Mostly, I guess it'll just end up being me journaling and posting it for someone to see.

But it's one of those things where I think, "do people REALLY read these things?"

Although, I do read a couple blogs sometime. But it's only a couple people's..and it's only when I have gone through my list of websites- gmail, foxnews, tmz, wachovia, liberty, facebook- and there is nothing good happenin'.

But, I really do have so much on my mind and heart this summer that I want to share. It's been one of the best summers (if not the best) that i've ever had. It may have to do with the fact that last summer was the absolute worst, so anything really seems good..haha..but for real, though..the things that the Lord is doing in my heart is miraculous and I'm so so excited and thankful. One of those things is how He is teaching me not to be such a people pleaser. So with that said, i'm not going to apologize or be embarrassed for my pointless first post, or even for the fact that i'm not going to spellcheck. So take that.

I probably should try and sleep, even though I just ate a bowl of rice with some delicious pulled pork. Yikes. This can't be good for me :)